Once Again
by yamada michiko
Summary: Fairy tales end with a "and they lived happily ever after" line. But as we all wonder, what really lies after the 'happy ever after? After the characters were together, was it all sunshine and rainbows? Ayase Chihaya learns the hard way of what it feels like to lose something she had taken for granted. But can she actually regain it? Or is it going to be a regret forever?
1. Prologue

_**Hello, everyone.**_

 _ **Okay, so I know, it's not what you're expecting. Some of you might be waiting for the next chapter for A Thousand Dreams, and I have good and bad news for that one.**_

 _ **The good news? I am still fighting to continue that fic. The bad news? Aside from the fact that I have a very bad writer's block for that one, I have lost ALL my flash drives. Meaning all the material I have managed to scrap from research had to be researched… again, and I have to refresh myself for the fic's direction.**_

 _ **So since I am suffering from a very, very mild depression, I decided to write this down. It was another plot bunny which kept on bouncing around my head, and forgive me if I am posting it in this month, when it was supposed to be Christmas.**_

 _ **A warning: this fic is full of drama. Yeah, and lots of angst. Probably because I got the idea from one of the very hardest questions to answer in our lifetime: if there is a 'happy ever after, then what lies beyond the happy ever after?'**_

 _ **Read on, at your own risk. I am trying to aim for a vignette, written in different perspectives from some of our beloved secondary characters to the main ones.**_

 _ **Dawdler, you are the main inspiration behind this one. It may not be as canon-compliant as you wish me to, but I hope you'll support this one all the same.**_

 **DISCLAIMER: Really? Oh okay. Yes, I do not own Chihayafuru, but I do own the plot. So please do not, in any way, try to copy this without** _ **my**_ **permission. I got a mean right hook.**

 **Just sayin'.**

* * *

 **Prologue**

* * *

" _Truthfully, I didn't need to promise you anything._

 _Not my heart, not my life, nor my loyalty._

 _I have loved you as a ninth grader with your short, boy-cut hair – so my heart has already been yours even then._

 _We have been separated, but has been reunited and had grown up together as karuta idiots – and will continue to do so, hence the fact that my life is something you hold in your hands all this time, dearest._

 _And my heart has already been yours from day one, which meant that my loyalty has always been with you and will be forever with you._

 _If there is one thing I still need to do, was to promise you that this will never change. Yes, the world may change constantly, but I will be your constant companion, your lover, your student, your mentor, your partner in parenthood, your toughest adversary, your best friend and your partner in mischief._

 _I will make sure to continue growing taller so that you can wear your heels anytime you have to shoot for a cover._

 _All this I swear to you, my darling bride… my wife. I call you mine, for you have been my light, my world… and simply my everything. For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health… for all your perfection and imperfection, I will be with you through it all, and continue to love you for everything that you are."_

* * *

It was a sacred vow that she willingly threw away for a very high price.

Her days passed, and everything changed because of the one choice she had to make.

The world continued on, spinning and spinning, weaving days and nights, seconds, minutes and hours into years. People had gone on with their business, went on with their schools, families and jobs. Everyone continues on with the cycle of life, as they all set out to find and complete whatever purpose they have in life.

But not her.

She had it all.

But she also didn't.

 _In breaking news, current reigning Queen of Karuta, Ayase Chihaya-san, has announced that she will be retiring from the karuta world. After three years in the spotlight, charming the fans and audiences alike with her passion and drive for the game and touring the world as an ambassador for the said sport, the Tokyo native is calling it quits. The 33 year-old, known for her superior hearing and aggressive style of play which had earned her the much-coveted title for three whole years, is returning to her family home once more in Tokyo from her last tour in Paris to enjoy some much-needed rest. JNN was able to get this exclusive._

"I'm not exactly giving up on karuta… just from the public life. I am looking forward to spending some quiet, alone time with my family and friends… especially with my nephews, niece and some godchildren, then just play the game whenever I feel like it."

"Why now… when many are saying that you are at the height of your career, what with your accomplishments as an athlete… and a model?"

"I would like to go out on top and be remembered for my accomplishments and contributions to the sport which I hope I have given the past three years."

"You definitely have, Ayase-san! However, many are also suspecting that that was not the only reason you're leaving us."

"What other reason would there be?" She asked, with a hint of humor in her voice.

"The scuttlebutt is that you wanted to settle down."

She gave a small, almost sad laugh. "In order to start a family, it is preferable for one to have a partner. I am unfortunately, unhappily, unattached."

"There's no one special?"

"No one, I'm sad to say. In between my training, my modelling jobs, my dream of becoming the Queen _and_ maintaining the title it's next to impossible to meet anyone or maintain a relationship with anyone. I haven't even seen my family in well over three years, haven't had the time to breathe, much less even think to date anyone."

The host nodded, expression empathic. "So what is Ayase Chihaya's type of ideal man?"

"Someone who has the patience to put up with me and my strange antics… someone who is smart and can handle my stubbornness. And a good cook. Yeah… definitely. I miss home cooked chargrilled oysters. Maybe, since I'll probably have more time now, I can dust off those cookbooks stuck in my storage for all these years and start cooking for myself."

"Will Ayase Chihaya ever return to the field?"

"Maybe… it's hard to say. If the time is right. Who knows? I'm not saying never. But for now, all I want to do is to put my feet up, sleep like the dead for half a day and pig out on hotpot meals."

The world may have continued spinning, but not hers.

Not anymore.

* * *

 _ **Unfortunately, I will have to leave it here. But don't kill me yet. I promise the next one will be up immediately.**_

 _ **Lovelots,**_

 _ **Michiko**_


	2. I

_**Here's the next one, as promised.**_

* * *

 **I**

* * *

"Tadaima!"

"Oh my Kami, Chihaya-chan! Long time no see!"

Two delighted squeals resounded around the kimono shop as Kanade gave her a hug, and she noticed that Chihaya was careful enough to hug her around her protruding belly. The taller woman was obviously overjoyed to see her, but couldn't run to her and give her one of her biggest hugs in her excitement due to her eight-month belly.

"I've missed you, Kana-chan! Oh Kami, be careful, your stomach…" Chihaya let out a giggle, rubbing her belly gently. "Oh my. I really missed you to death!" She added, a genuine smile blooming on her face.

Kanade laughed as she reached up and jokingly patted her best girlfriend's chestnut-brown hair. "Yes, you baka, I've missed you too. Come on, let's go to the back of the shop, you have much to tell me about your trip! It's almost my break anyway."

Chihaya clucked her tongue as she gently snatched the 'On Break' sign Kanade held in her left hand and went to hang it on the shop's front doors and locked it for her. "You know you should be resting at home instead of running around with your little one in there, Kana-chan. Especially now that you only have less than a month before giving birth." She scolded her in a very obvious half-hearted way, pouting at her friend in displeasure.

Kanade laughed good-naturedly in response, though she didn't miss the way her best friend seemed to blink tiredly looking as if she was struggling to keep her focus. "Well, _I_ was the one who wanted to keep moving, Chi-chan. I feel so restless just sitting at home and doing nothing."

Chihaya gave her a glare as she dutifully followed her to the back of the Oe kimono shop. "Still, what will you do if the little angel suddenly decided to come out early? _What_ is Tsukue-kun doing, allowing you to be still running around like that?"

Kanade snorted in laughter once more. "Oh please, Chi-chan! I am not an invalid, I can take care of myself. And Tsutomu himself gave me an earful before he had agreed to let me continue running this shop, so it's fine. And to appease your worries, I am ready. I already have a bag packed just in case." Kanade then turned to look at her, pausing in her tracks to look her over, scrutinising her from head to toe that she just knew made Chihaya feel like she was a specimen being examined under a microscope with her attempting to avoid meeting her gaze. "Wait a second, I think this is unfair. You just came home from Paris and you're already scolding _me?_ I think I am the one who needs to scold you now."

She raised a perfectly-arched eyebrow in surprise. "Why me, what did _I_ do?"

Surpising Chihaya with her grip, Kanade grabbed her hand and pulled her to the garden outside. "Are you kidding me? You look like you've lost weight! I mean, it's good to be slim, but look at the bags under your eyes. Have you been losing sleep?" She sat her down on one of the chairs and Chihaya opened her mouth to protest, but she beat her into it. "Hold that thought. I'm just going to boil the water first."

"I can do that with you." The brunette offered, obviously still worried about her pregnancy, and the fact that she was already on her last trimester and she was still bouncing around the shop.

"Oh fine. Come with me." She then led the way to the small kitchen area of the shop. Kanade gave her a look somewhat full of worry, as she began placing the water in the kettle and Chihaya almost snatched it from her to place it on the stove, making her roll her eyes at her friend's overprotectiveness and observe her out of the corner of her eye.

Kanade had seen the news flash last night which she knew basically surprised everyone. They weren't expecting it – no one was expecting it at all. She and Komano had suspected that it had to do something about karuta, but never along the lines of retirement. After all the years she had spent on it, after _everything_ she had sacrificed to reach her goal, she thought grimly, Chihaya just didn't seem to be the type to just give it all up.

Not after what she had to let go in exchange for it.

"You know, Chi-chan… you never mentioned anything about retiring early." She muttered cautiously, trying to keep her tone light by forcing a small smile on her lips. She didn't want to broach this subject with her, not when she had just returned to Japan and everything, but Kanade was worried. There was just something with the way that Chihaya looked so exhausted, as if she was fighting to keep herself upright, that was just tugging at her worried nerves. Every instinct as her friend was screaming at her that something was wrong with her best friend.

Chihaya paused in her motion of rummaging through her cupboards to find some green tea – both their favourite since their high school days. Kanade knew that Chihaya was aware that she was watching her, observing every minute action she had throughout the whole ordeal. After a few more seconds of pause – as if Chihaya just overcame a debate with herself – she shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I just felt that it was just about time for me to leave the field."

Kanade wasn't buying it. They hadn't been friends for seventeen years for nothing. She knew how to detect each lie which comes out of her mouth. "Chi-chan…" she prodded on, tone stern and knowing.

Perhaps Chihaya knew her well enough to know that she wasn't going to let this one pass, not when she can read through every line of her face that she was hiding and not telling the truth. Really, Kanade thought, this was _different_. Normally she would lie through clenched teeth and tight-lipped smiles, but what was making the warning bells ring inside her head was the way that Chihaya just didn't seem to care whether she'll see through the lie or not. It was like she was just going through the motions, like she was just saying it just for the heck of it.

And that scared her, more than anything. That Chihaya just looked… so… lifeless wasn't helping matters. It was alarming, the way Chihaya looked so fragile as if she just needed one more push and she would… break.

The brunette opened her mouth, as if she wanted to continue denying it, but Kanade was prepared to rebut. She was never the pushy person and they both knew that, but Chihaya's pale countenance was just making her feel uncomfortable.

She had to get her to talk.

All of a sudden Chihaya straightened up on wobbly legs, looking as if they wanted to give way, but she supported herself with one hand on the kitchen counter. She took a deep breath then closed her eyes, in a manner of someone who looked like she wanted nothing more but to break down and be honest with her feelings.

When she opened her eyes, Kanade didn't like that they were glassy and unfocused – as if she was on the verge of slipping from the reality.

Chihaya then surprised her with what she said next. "I'm so tired, Kana-chan… I just want to let go."

Her feelings of worry intensifying, and more than alarmed with the direction their conversation was going in with Chihaya's sudden admission in a pained tone, Kanade came over to her side and started to rub her shoulders. Chihaya's shoulders shook, but she had a feeling the brunette was holding her sobs in. "Why, Chi-chan? Why do you feel tired? Tell me. You know I'm here to listen to you, right?"

Even with her question, Kanade suddenly felt foolish when the sudden realization hit her like a ton of bricks. There was only one possible reason that her friend was feeling like this, and they both knew it. Still, she felt that it would help Chihaya more if she admitted it out loud rather than keeping it all bottled in.

"I knew that I was an idiot for letting go of everything… I know it was my fault, and I know that it was my choice, but I… I still miss him. I miss him like crazy, Kana-chan." Chihaya was hiccupping, unable to hold back her sobs.

Kanade sighed, rubbing her back in a very motherly fashion. "Then talk to him. Tell him, Chi-chan. It's not too late. Call him. I'm sure he will listen to you."

Chihaya shook her head vigorously, as if her doing so was more important than life itself. "No. I cannot do that now, Kana-chan."

Kanade wanted to get frustrated, but she knew Chihaya needed her support now, not her frustration. She had just come home from a different country after a tour, possibly seeking solace in her mother country. It was the very reason why she asked, no, ordered more like, her best friend to meet with her as soon as she was settled from her flight back into Japan anyway.

For her sake, she would have to put her personal feelings aside.

Kanade guided her to a chair first and sat her down, and waved her aside when she attempted to still help her in preparing the tea. As the water was already boiling, Kanade got out two porcelain teacups and set them down on the counter, before carefully pouring the water in it.

Once she had completed the domestic task, she sat down beside Chihaya, who had remained quiet the whole time she was doing the tea. Kanade didn't like the way Chihaya was slumped on the chair, how she appeared as if she would just… crumble anytime now.

Gone were her vibrant eyes. Chihaya had always had such brilliant eyes, the color of cinnamon when she was at rest, and the color of the brightest wine when she was in her element. She had seen the wine color countless times, because the Chihaya from their teenage years to their late twenties had been the epitome of beauty… and simple happiness. Not that she wasn't as beautiful now, what, with her age seemingly giving her distinction and respect, but…

Every plane on her face screams exhaustion. As if this Chihaya felt trapped with nowhere to go, like she was cornered – like she had already come to the end of herself – as if she was just tired of living altogether.

And it was scaring the hell out of her. Kanade knew it was something she should be panicking about now, but she would be of no help to Chihaya if she herself loses her head.

"Chi-chan – "

"Don't worry, Kana-chan." The current karuta queen then continued, as if she could sense Kanade's frustration and panic. She wouldn't be surprised if she could, actually, with them having been friends for so long. "I was just undergoing a serious withdrawal case."

She was exasperated with her attempt to joke and make light of the situation. "He's not a drug, Chi-chan!"

Chihaya smiled through her tears. "I know. I – I still couldn't help but miss him though."

Kanade knew she was on the verge of pulling her hair out in exasperation. "I do not understand why you were so unwilling to talk to him when you were already like this." She stated empathically, making no effort of hiding her worry. "He will listen to you. You know he's just waiting for you to talk to him willingly."

"I don't think I can do it anymore."

"What can't _you_ do anymore?"

"Karuta."

Kanade didn't know if this was an attempt to divert the topic of conversation, or if this was just what Chihaya was really saying from the deepest part of her heart.

But, even when they were teenagers, Chihaya didn't make much sense. No, Kanade noted, she couldn't make sense of her because Chihaya's speed of thoughts changes at the speed of light it was practically impossible for anyone to keep up with her.

There were two people who can actually, now that she thought about it more thoroughly. She was still learning, but those two people can effortlessly follow Chihaya's seemingly incoherent train of thoughts. But this was only because one of them was naturally talented and strange in his own way, and the other one was a genius and had spent the majority of his life figuring out her thoughts that he had seemingly developed the ability of reading her best friend's mind that it was scary and amazing at the same time.

This was not without the complaints that she normally hears from him though. _God, why does this girl have so many thoughts at the same time?_

The corner of Kanade's lips pulled up into a small smile from a fond memory back in their early twenties. _If only everything wasn't so complicated now._

 _No_ , she added to herself. _If only_ they _weren't complicating things. Darn it!_

Her smile disappeared and she was forced to go back to reality.

"I can't do it anymore, Kana-chan. I've tried so hard to forget…" Chihaya was mumbling almost incoherently as she stared at her tea, as if willing it to just rise up to her lips on it's own.

This was worse. It felt like she was talking to a drunk Chihaya, one who had swallowed two bottles of beer. And that was saying something, considering that before she used to get drunk with just one bottle.

Kanade, not knowing how else to make Chihaya see her point, moved her chair closer to her slowly and took her in her arms slowly, or attempted to at least, with her swollen belly and all.

Chihaya straightened up; refusing her comfort due to her situation, but Kanade shushed her down. "Let me do this, Chi-chan. You won't tell me the real reason why you can't talk to him now. This is the only thing I can offer you."

Chihaya leaned back against her, acquiescing to her light reprimand. Kanade rubbed her back in a motherly fashion, an action which she knew Chihaya appreciated quietly. "Chi-chan… when are you both going to stop pretending you don't love each other?"

She didn't respond. She didn't expect her to anyway.

* * *

In the end, she hadn't gotten much out of Chihaya, except making her confess that she was in fact, still heartbroken. The brunette had made it clear that it was her own choice though, a fact that she cannot understand, even when the separation first occurred. She wasn't privy to the exact details, as she felt that she would be violating their privacy if she did. All she knew was that the separation was Chihaya's own decision, a fact that left her other friend as exasperated as her, but a million more times disappointed and heartbroken.

It wasn't her place to intervene, she knew. But she couldn't help but think that something worse was happening, and Chihaya was keeping it to herself in an attempt to possibly protect them.

She didn't expect her suspicions to be confirmed though. And certainly not in the worst way possible.

They were making dinner for Komano for when he comes home – she had made Chihaya help out in an attempt to help her take her mind off of things at least – when she noticed Chihaya clutching her stomach while she was peeling carrots off.

"Chi-chan are you alright? Is your stomach hurting or something?"

Chihaya smiled, but the smile was more of a wince. "I-I'm fine, Kana-chan." But the wince turned into a grimace as Kana-chan saw her clutch her stomach even more in what seemed to her like another wave of pain passing through her.

Kanade's eyes widened as she suddenly fell into one knee, the pain more visible now on her best friend's face and the knife falling out of her hand. She was gasping in pain, making her panic. This didn't seem to be an ordinary stomach ache, if Chihaya's gasps were anything to go by.

"Chi-chan!? Oh gosh, you crazy girl, what is happening to you? Oh wait, let me call an ambulance first!" Thank God, she had her phone placed just on the table as she was waiting for Tsutomu's call. She hurriedly dialled an emergency number and waited for it to ring, and when someone picked up she all but yelled for them to hurry to her address.

"Oh God, Chi-chan, hang in there please. Don't lose consciousness on me, the ambulance is coming alright?" She tried to cradle her friend's face on her hands, but Chihaya looked so delirious with pain that she didn't appear to understand her. She was just mumbling something incoherent to her ears.

"…see him.."

"Chi-chan, save your strength please."

"…don't… him… know…"

Kanade's eyes were tearing up. "Who? Who do you want to see? What should be kept from him?" She was so exasperated that she was crying with her. "You crazy girl. What have you been keeping from us?"

Chihaya was on the verge of unconsciousness and Kanade wanted to panic. In her haste, she swept her phone aside. She suddenly realized that she could call for more help.

She dialled one of her friend's numbers, praying to all the gods out there that he would respond. He was the closest in her area after all.

It seemed that the gods had heard her prayer for he picked up at the first ring.

"Moshi-moshi Oe-san."

"M-Moshi-moshi? I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't be calling you with this, but you're the only one who can help – "

"Calm down Oe-san, you're barely coherent; it won't help with your pregnancy. Is something wrong?" The masculine voice asked, a hint of worry seeping in his tone with her obvious panic at the other end of the line.

"Yes something's wrong, your wife had a sudden bout of stomach pain, I'm having trouble keeping her awake and she needs you here right NOW!" She half-snapped half-screeched at her phone, panicking again as she saw Chihaya close her eyes already.

Silence reigned between their lines for what seemed like an eternity, though in reality it was only a few seconds. She could tell that she had caught him off-guard with her reaction.

"I'm coming over." Was all he said, before his line went dead.

* * *

 _ **I told you it would be quick. Thank you for checking out this corner once more, and for loyu-chan and fizanime08 for leaving reviews and not giving up on me.**_

 _ **Don't worry you guys, I am not giving up on ATD yet. I'll probably update this one first, or whichever inspiration strikes first.**_

 _ **I love you people, so again, let me know what you think by clicking on the little button there below. Next chap will probably be up… soon. This will probably a short story as well. So the chapters might be really short.**_

 _ **Toodles!**_

 _ **Love,**_

 _ **Michiko :)**_


	3. II

_**Hello guys. Sorry about the late update. You know, holidays. Belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year y'all.**_

 _ **So here's the next one as promised. Warning, you might find a major OOC-ness and angst up ahead. You have to expect that, because the characters are older, and dealing with more different issues.**_

 _ **Read on and hope you enjoy.**_

* * *

 **II**

* * *

 _You are the dream that I never knew I had._

 _Thank you, for being very, very patient with me. I know I was never the sweetest bride you could have asked for, what with my obsession with karuta and my overall strange antics._

 _I have made you wait. For the longest time, I had been blind… and an incredible airhead. To this day I still could not believe that you are standing in front of me, promising to be with me until the end. I consider myself as one of the luckiest women in this world right now, for you have never given up on me and my tomboyish, strange mind._

 _I love you for that. For everything that you did – for every encouragement you've given me at my weakest, for every minute that you have loved me, know that I appreciate you. Thank you for being stubborn enough to hold on to me, and know that I thank God he has given you the gift of patience and immovable will – aside from intelligence._

 _I love you too, dearest. For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, I will grow old alongside you, and we will laugh and cry together until the sunset of our lives._

' _Til death do us part._

* * *

She didn't like dreaming.

Especially if the dream was a memory she had tried to bury far into the recesses of her mind, something that she knew which would cut deeper into her heart, replacing old scars with new ones and only digging a deeper hole each time it does.

He was standing in front of her, expression dark and grim… and more than a little hurt.

"I don't understand why you are accusing me of this."

"Don't misunderstand me. I was asking you to tell me the truth; that was far from accusing you."

She remembered in perfect detail how she had gazed at him that day; already impatient and more than annoyed. She was about to be late for a train, she had a competition to attend and win and she simply couldn't afford to miss it. "For someone who's a genius at everything, I think you're spouting nonsense."

"One question; one answer. Are you still happy?"

He sat down at the couch in their living room, dressed in his white dress shirt, his rimless spectacles in one hand. His usual white med coat was slung over the edge of the other couch, almost haphazardly. She knew he was running late as well and that he was trying to tell her something, but she couldn't concentrate on it and her focus on the supposed conversation was all but out the window.

"What kind of a question is that? Of course I'm happy! I'm in the challenger match, I'm one step closer to my goal."

"Chihaya – "

"Please, let's just talk about this some other time. I'm running late and so are you. I'll see you when I get back, and then you can tell me what it is you wanted to tell me, alright? Bye, love you!" She hurried over to kiss him, recalling how at the time, she noticed how he had seemingly turned the other way making her lips land on his right cheek, but failed to actually process if the action was deliberate or not.

She realized how she had failed at seeing the significance of such a simple action as well; of what it might be possibly bringing into their marriage.

Her dream was a blur of memories, each more hurtful than the last. The time he had tried to talk to her and console her, she had simply snapped and in volcano terms – just blew up.

"What do you want me to say? I just lost another international championship. Why the hell are you so intent on finding out how I'm doing? Of course I'm not happy that I lost!" She exclaimed at her phone, not pleased that they were in opposite continents of the world – her being in Australia and him in Japan.

On hindsight, she knew it was wrong. He had wanted to come with her to the other end of the world but she refused his company; reasoning out that she simply didn't want to burden him with her goals. It was not his fault that they weren't together at one of the most important times in her life. Venting her frustrations out at him was not the correct way of talking about things. But she was like a rubber band; one so stretched to the point of snapping in half. Nothing just seemed to be going well in her life right now. She had dropped out of the international qualifiers – her abdomen had the audacity to start aching even though she knew she had eaten well which had cost her the match – the team she was coaching from their former school lost in the semifinals, and she still freaking needed to train the members of Shiranami karuta society as soon she went home.

"I'm trying to tell you to take it easy. You're not a superhuman, Chihaya – "

"I don't have time to take it easy!." Her ugly, unreasonable side was showing, but she felt too angry and relieved to control whatever was coming out of her mouth. She was too frustrated, and she unwittingly made him the perfect target for a human stress ball.

"You need to take a break – "

"I don't need a break! I need to _train_! Will you stop trying to hold me back?"

"I wasn't trying to hold you back – "

"But you are! You're just trying to meddle; it would just be better if you don't. I wish you would just let me do things my own way and stop interfering with my life!"

 _My_ life. What an incredible idiot she was.

"You think I'm meddling and trying to hold you back."

It was not a question, it was a statement spoken with certainty. If she had tried to listen better, she would have detected the pain hidden behind the words.

She was too busy feeling dejected to pay heed into what she had spoken next.

An exhale sounded from the other end of the line, shaky and inconsistent, as if he was trying hard to remember how to breathe. "You finally decided to be honest, Chihaya."

When she had gotten enough of her senses back in her, she finally realized what she had said and the gravity of it. Immediately, as if she was doused in cold water, she became aware of her surroundings – she was in her hotel room, speaking to her husband who she had left back in Japan and had not seen in six months, and she had basically told him that he had nothing to do in her life, speaking as if…

… As if she hadn't married him.

"N-No… no that's not what I meant… I…"

She couldn't say anything. How? She couldn't take her words back, words she had spoken in anger.

Words can cut deep. Deeper than any knife and sharper than any blade, as the saying goes. She knew that, but she felt too sorry for herself to look past beyond her anger and disappointment and to heed the warning she had heard countless times. No amount of apologizing can fix what she knew she had broken and hurt.

The silence from the other end of the line spoke more volumes than any response needed.

"We need to talk when you get back." He said, tone betraying no emotion. She had gotten used to being attuned to his emotions that she was starting to panic at the total blank she was drawing from him when he had responded.

"And perhaps… I can help you decide what to do… about us. If there is even an _us_ anymore."

She had dropped her phone, she recalled with perfect clarity. By the time she had picked her phone up, the line was already dead.

The talk had been… a bit of a disaster. He had tried to wait, she knew. He had tried to let her rest, when she got back, but she knew she had crossed the line when he had found her passed out for the third time in Shiranami society after not going home for almost a week since she was in training camps.

She had collapsed. According to the doctors, she had been terribly dehydrated and without proper rest _and_ meals, it had been a perfect recipe for the collapse.

The pressure and despair had gotten into her, but she knew that it was no excuse to hurt him deliberately when he was trying to look out for her and fulfill his duties as her husband.

" _No. You can't go back out there to train without taking a look at what you're doing to yourself – "_

" _I am not a child! I can look out for myself!"_ She remembered yelling at him with a dextrose attached to her wrist.

She knew he had just about had enough. _"Really? Then will you please stop acting like one?"_

" _I don't need you to run after me with food and water."_

" _This is not about doing that – "_

" _All I just want was to win! I can't do that if you keep on hovering over me like you're my father – you'll just get in my way."_

His tone had changed. _"Get in your way?"_

" _Yes."_

And then there it was again. The moment she realizes she had spoken too much without using her brain at all.

Silence. The kind where a pin can be dropped and it will sound like an explosion. She remembered him sitting down at the side of her bed, but he was not touching her, and he was just looking at her with his eyes hurt, though still gentle as they gazed upon her.

" _First, I'm meddling. Then I hold you back. Now… I'm getting in your way."_

She had looked down on her fingers. She wanted to cry. She wanted to hold his hand and tell him that she hadn't meant any of what she said. She knew that he knew her inside out; that sometimes she speaks before her brain can think, but she also knew about a saying about speaking whatever comes to mind first means it was the actual truth.

The damage was done.

" _Tell me what you want, Chihaya. If you tell me to leave you alone, I will. Perhaps it's just better for you… for me to stop holding you back that way."_

Her mouth had run off again without her permission. _"If what you're saying is what I think you're saying, then perhaps it_ is _better that way."_

Later she had justified that the decision she had made in a spur-of-the-moment was correct because she knew she had not much left to offer him, not when the doctors had informed her about their findings about why she had collapsed as well.

Chihaya finally woke up, feeling thoroughly disgusted with herself. Her vision was blurry, probably because she was crying, but she recognized the pristine whiteness of the room she was in. She was once again in a hospital.

She was startled when a voice beside her said, "Finally. You sure took your sweet time gettin' up."

The Fukui accent was one she would recognize anywhere. "A-Arata?"

True enough, the raven-haired former Meijin sat beside her, wearing a blue collarless shirt with his usual glasses sitting askew on his nose bridge. He looked as if he was roughly pulled out of sleep, his hair almost standing up in different directions. He noticed her staring, and his left hand raised to his head to try to get his hair to behave. "Sorry. I just came home from school."

He was studying to get his master's for architecture, if she remembered correctly. "Uh… w-what's going on? W-Why are you here?"

He narrowed his sapphire eyes at her jokingly. "Is that any way to greet someone who rushed you here as soon as he heard you've fainted?"

"Sorry. I mean it was really good to see you. You've rushed me here? But I remember I was in Kana-chan's…"

"She called me."

"O-Oh."

Her eyes flitted around her. She didn't know if she should be relieved that Kana-chan called him to help her, if she should be honest. "H-How is Kana-chan? I hope I didn't cause her to give birth prematurely…"

Arata pursed his lips, looking as if he was biting back something better left unsaid. "Komano-kun is with her outside. They were gettin' somethin' to eat. She hasn't left your side ever since yesterday."

"Y-Yesterday!? How long was I out?"

"More than twenty-four hours. Like I said, you took your sweet time gettin' up." At her panicked and worried look, he tried to reassure her. "Don't worry, we made sure she rested. She refused to go home immediately, so we kind of scolded her to rest properly."

Arata was giving her a worried look; and she just felt the atmosphere getting more awkward. "T-Thank you. For coming to Kana-chan's for me when she called you."

"I arrived a little late. They were about to leave for the hospital when I came. You were lucky that he came earlier than me."

Her heart just about jumped out of her chest. Something about Arata's tone and what he was implying made her nervous. "'H-He'?"

"Who else would I be talkin' about?" He raised an eyebrow at her, almost amused at the way she was reacting at his statement.

 _No. No, no, no, no, no –_

"It's good to see you awake. You had everyone in a panic."

She felt compelled to raise her head towards the direction of the doors. Mashima Taichi closed the door with a soft 'click', which sounded so loud at the sudden silence which sprang up in the room as he walked towards her.

After three years, she was meeting his eyes once more. She couldn't believe she was seeing him again after what was seemingly a long separation; something which she knew she had punished herself with. His mocha-brown hair was cut shorter than usual – it barely grew past his collar, but he still radiated the warmth she had usually associated with him.

She failed to notice how Arata had nodded at him quietly, and he stood up, patting her on the shoulder. She caught herself staring and glanced at one of her best friends with pleading eyes, silently willing him not to leave her alone with him, but Arata shook his head minutely.

"You two needed to talk." He whispered quietly, and with those words and not even giving her the time to react, turned and left the room just as quietly as he had come.

Taichi remained standing, and she didn't like how her heart raced at the sight of him there, gazing down at her. Kami, he hadn't changed. He just seemed to have grown more good-looking, if that was even possible.

"You… you were my attending physician?" She asked incredulously, not wanting to believe it.

He removed his white coat and threw it aside, his expression morphing into one of silent anger… and hurt.

"I'm not here as your doctor, unfortunately. I'm here as your husband… or your estranged husband, if you want to correct me." He invited himself to sit down, pulling up a chair beside her and fixing her with an unforgiving, heated amber gaze which never failed to turn her knees to mush whenever he gazed at her like that.

All this she knew even though there was nothing pleasant behind it that she chastised herself for even feeling it. Now was not the time to get all tongue-tied in front of the man she had loved... and still loved even after a long time of telling herself that what she had decided on was the best for the two of them.

She still couldn't meet his eyes, but she knew that _he_ knew that he had her attention all the same. He exhaled a deep breath out, before his tone hardened when he opened his mouth to speak.

"I believe we had a long overdue conversation. Let's talk, Chihaya. Let's talk about the things you were hiding from me."

* * *

 _ **As always, let me know what you think. If you can me give me some ideas about this, let me know in the reviews. That will be helpful.**_

 _ **Lovelots and see you in the next one,**_

 _ **Michiko**_


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